26/10/2013 my cheating human

she-human is two-timing me!

she thought i wouldn’t be able to tell, but it’s not possible to cheat mr. supernose. she came home almost at midnight reeking of the smell of whiskey and a boxer. a male boxer. at least three years old. overfed. definitely neutered. he had had fish-meat for dinner. and by the way he had left his stench all over her, the male child of a she dog had spent at least an hour with his head in her lap, getting his ears scratched.

would you trust your she-human with this dog?

would you trust your she-human with this cretin?

imagine my hurt, dear reader, imagine my humiliation. it is bad enough that the he-human comes home stinking of mongrels every other day, but i know he is weak of character and forgive him. but the she human! with a fat hideous boxer? that can barely call himself a dog? that doesn’t even have balls? when she has someone as beautiful and awesome as a labrador retriever at home? how could she?

she had the good grace to look ashamed, at least. she mumbled something about being bored at a party and having nobody to talk to except the damn boxer. but is that excuse enough to be unfaithful?

i shall be plotting my revenge. i promise you.

21/10/13 fire monsters

imagine for a minute, reader, that you are me. after the toils of the day, you have just rested your head on your paws, and closed your eyes. the room is dark and cool, a friendly hand is slowly scratching your ears, your stomach is pleasantly full, your brain is, for once, un-curious about everything, you are shutting down, when suddenly, outside your window, the hiss of a thousand snake-beasts dripping venom! you leap to attention desperately shaking off sleep and seeking coherence, when you spot it, a menacing, terrible fire-monster!

anar i really had no clue how i, a lone warrior dog, would fight off this hulking, evil entity, but i could not run and leave my poor sleeping humans behind. i started barking to raise the dead, and almost instantly, the monster vanished. with increased confidence, i started barking in the humans’ faces, telling them we need to get out now, or find some way to stop the demon before it returns.

he-human just swatted the air, grunted, and rolled over. she-human fortunately took me more seriously. just as the fire monster made another appearance, she shut the window and sat hugging me. i could tell she was terrified, and in shock, so i stayed with her. i decided the best strategy would be to lay low and hope the monster doesn’t notice us. sure enough, the monster hissed at our window a few more times and then left.

in all this excitement, i lost my dinner on the bedroom rug, and my peace of mind was shot to particles. i didn’t sleep a wink.

 

 

20/10/13 if cats could talk

my she-human just finished a book called kafka on the shore. it looks like this:

kafka-on-the-shore

register immediate distaste, dear human readers, for the smug looking cat on the cover. in my opinion, all books with cats on the cover should be banned to protect innocent humans from their feline guile.

to make matters worse, she-human tells me the book is about cats who can talk in human language. well, it’s about some other stuff as well, but i didn’t listen to those parts, so outraged was i at the idea of talking cats.

massive eye-roll at this example of human naivety. humans, if cats could talk, here is what they would say:

“hurr durr ima cat”

“bring food me human”

“human, why u no have six nipples?”

“goody must eat poop box”

stupid cathow could this murakami human write a whole book on the conversation of cats? maybe he is a bit special himself.

 

if anybody knows of any books about talking dogs, please recommended them to my human. she desperately needs a better taste in books.

 

16/10/13 are chihuahuas even dogs?

since i went public, a lot of people have been uncouth enough to point out that i share my name with the dog that owns bipasha basu, who is a human who sometimes lives in the tv box.

the dog posto with his human bipasha basu

the dog posto with his human bipasha basu

while i respect bipasha basu because she understands that clothes are degrading and stupid, i would like to point out that i could eat her posto and shit him out whole, pardon my woof.

if any of you readers still feel confused between a labrador retriever and a chihuahua, and are wondering which is it you are petting at the moment, please pause and answer the following questions:

1. can it fit in your handbag? NOT A LAB

2. does it look like an overgrown rat? NOT A LAB

3. is it snapping at your finger?  NOT A LAB

4. is it acting like a goddam queen?  NOT A LAB

5. did it pee in your hands?  NOT A LAB. not a chihuahua either. come to think of it, you may be petting a rat.

there, that should clear it up.

15/10/2013 bath!

thank goodness the mad holidays are over. he-human has gone to wherever he goes everyday, but she-human is still around. which is good, except she is looking at me with that look, and that could only mean…

update: a bath, yes. great, now i’ve completely lost the vintage piss smell i worked so hard to cultivate. i smell of flowery shampoo now. do humans have no taste whatsoever? thankfully no other dog is nearby to smell me or i would immediately have been branded a pansy.

oh well, at least a bath guarantees a snack and a trip to the roof where i can chase my ball.

the house is full of strange humans. i can smell them, i can hear them, but they wont come down to introduce themselves. completely uncivilized. i can also smell delicious human-food, so they must be here for a party. i’m not invited, apparently. she-human is far less fond of strangers than i am, so she is cooped up in the bedroom with me. she has told everybody she is working, but i can see her facebook open. heh!

time to bully she-human to scratch my back, and then naptime.

12/10/13- new humans!

yesterday’s greediness took its toll. threw up all of my breakfast of oat porridge, humans started petting me and making a fuss immediately. does that mean they like it when i puke? must do it more often then. sadly, he-human refused to let me lick it up and insisted on cleaning it.

 

hah! have figured out what all the chanting and drumming is about. some weird human festival where they decorate themselves madly to go out and see madly decorated structures made of cardboard. what. the. fuck.

update: new humans in the house! who are they?!

update 2: friends of the humans, it seems. one of them is quite nice, he knew all the proper etiquette, he let me sniff him and then hug him and lick him. the others seemed worried by my size and would not approach me though i kept ordering them to come forth and introduce themselves. how rude! the human puppy was quite frightened of me (as he should be, the little punk)

update 3: managed to lick and sniff all of them. they’re ok i guess once you get to know them. the human pup even played ball with me. i hope they stay on. things get a bit quiet with just two humans around.

oh, i met food-human today. was really happy to see her up and about though she seems really sick. she should immediately go on a diet of grass and puke as frequently as possible. hope i was able to explain this to her.

 

11/10/13 humans at home

wtf, why are these people still at home? it’s not their days to stay at home today! jeez, and i was hoping to catch up on my sleep.

 

some maniacs are chanting gibberish non stop outside out house. this could be dangerous. will just sneak out and check. do not want humans to be ambushed by crazies while i’m in charge.

 

update- sneaked out but got distracted by a bottle of some black liquid on the shoe rack. the cap came off with some effort. liquid smells nice but tastes foul. oops, accidentally sprayed all of it on the sofa and the living room floor.

update 2- she-human went ballastic. chained me and went off to clean the shoe-poliz, as it is apparently called. jeez, if you didn’t like the liquid why did you have it in the house in the first place. now i cannot go investigate the chanting. dammit.

 

update 3- food-human is sick! she has gone to a place for sick humans. i hope she gets well and comes back soon because the other humans have no idea how to cook chicken.