15/12/13 i’m back

hello all. sorry for being away without leave for ages, but she-human has been hogging the laptop most of the time. she is apparently working on a novel. she assures me the novel will have a dog in it. one who will be brave and noble and wise, and will guide his humans to take good decisions, and will vanquish at least one cat.

here are some stuff you missed out on in the last month:

1. i made a friend. my friend is kaaka, the crow i told you about here. will tell you more about him later.

2. i got a ear infection and it hurt something terrible, till he-human gave me a medicine. the medicine felt like a demon pissed in my ear, but it made the pain go away.

3. i have discovered that another labrador lives in the glass on the bedroom wall. the jackass is not as half as handsome as me and he has the audacity to imitate whatever i’m doing. made several attempts to bark him down but he just wouldn’t surrender. got no support from the humans on this either. they just took me away from the glass wall and tied me up. fortunately the glass-dog was also dragged away by his humans at the same time.

4. she-human’s parents came to visit. the old gent was rather nice and gave me a biskit, though the lady. was quite visibly terrified. here’s a photo they took of me:

awesome labrador

is all for now. will update again soon, dear fans.

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7/9/13 the sentinel

i’ve been observing him for some days. he sits right where the sun hits the water tank in front of my meshed porch. he moves as the sun moves.

you’d think he was dozing, but i can tell otherwise. he never shuts both eyes at the same time. even when he has been sitting still for hours, i can tell he is awake, alert, one eye on the world.

i wonder what he thinks of as he sits there, the ugly old  horrorshow.

crowupdate: gave him a friendly bark to let him know he wasn’t unwelcome or anything. he cocked his head at me, as though taking my measure, and flew off.

update 2: he left me a present. he was smart enough to leave it just where the mesh has broken a bit. a small mouse that has been dead for two days at least. it smelled heavenly! will rub it all over fur and mouth after i’m through playing with it.

update 3: bath. dammit.

 

5/11/2013 the alpha upstairs

a very strange human lives upstairs. she never raises her voice or gets excited. she never bends down to pet me or any of the other humans. she is bald due to something called ke-mo-therpy (?). despite being furless she is never without a smile on her face. really, gentle as a sleepy squirrel.

which just goes to show you should never trust human appearances. i have no way of being certain, but i’m pretty sure she is the alpha in the pack. the other humans pretty much whimper when she is around, and if they had tails they would tuck them between their legs. they keep their eyes lowered and their posture is nervous. if i’m a good reader of body language (trust me, i am), then this lady is their leader. she may or may not be also their mother, but that is irrelevant. what i need to know is that she is their alpha.

now, reader, understand my dilemma. on one hand, i’m sharing house-space with a bald, menacing alpha-human whom other humans are terrified of:

this. except the face fur. no face fur.

this. except the face fur. no face fur.

on the other hand, posto is a free dog. posto knows no leader, no master. posto is his own alpha.

dobby_is_a_free_elf_by_alisya-d61gvngi’ve decided to walk the middle path and be polite to her and obey her, just in case it turns out she has superpowers and can outrun me or bite me in half or something. but i will not humiliate myself by expressing eagerness to please. if push comes to shove, i’ll fight her for alpha status.

death before dishonour!

26/10/2013 my cheating human

she-human is two-timing me!

she thought i wouldn’t be able to tell, but it’s not possible to cheat mr. supernose. she came home almost at midnight reeking of the smell of whiskey and a boxer. a male boxer. at least three years old. overfed. definitely neutered. he had had fish-meat for dinner. and by the way he had left his stench all over her, the male child of a she dog had spent at least an hour with his head in her lap, getting his ears scratched.

would you trust your she-human with this dog?

would you trust your she-human with this cretin?

imagine my hurt, dear reader, imagine my humiliation. it is bad enough that the he-human comes home stinking of mongrels every other day, but i know he is weak of character and forgive him. but the she human! with a fat hideous boxer? that can barely call himself a dog? that doesn’t even have balls? when she has someone as beautiful and awesome as a labrador retriever at home? how could she?

she had the good grace to look ashamed, at least. she mumbled something about being bored at a party and having nobody to talk to except the damn boxer. but is that excuse enough to be unfaithful?

i shall be plotting my revenge. i promise you.

21/10/13 fire monsters

imagine for a minute, reader, that you are me. after the toils of the day, you have just rested your head on your paws, and closed your eyes. the room is dark and cool, a friendly hand is slowly scratching your ears, your stomach is pleasantly full, your brain is, for once, un-curious about everything, you are shutting down, when suddenly, outside your window, the hiss of a thousand snake-beasts dripping venom! you leap to attention desperately shaking off sleep and seeking coherence, when you spot it, a menacing, terrible fire-monster!

anar i really had no clue how i, a lone warrior dog, would fight off this hulking, evil entity, but i could not run and leave my poor sleeping humans behind. i started barking to raise the dead, and almost instantly, the monster vanished. with increased confidence, i started barking in the humans’ faces, telling them we need to get out now, or find some way to stop the demon before it returns.

he-human just swatted the air, grunted, and rolled over. she-human fortunately took me more seriously. just as the fire monster made another appearance, she shut the window and sat hugging me. i could tell she was terrified, and in shock, so i stayed with her. i decided the best strategy would be to lay low and hope the monster doesn’t notice us. sure enough, the monster hissed at our window a few more times and then left.

in all this excitement, i lost my dinner on the bedroom rug, and my peace of mind was shot to particles. i didn’t sleep a wink.

 

 

20/10/13 if cats could talk

my she-human just finished a book called kafka on the shore. it looks like this:

kafka-on-the-shore

register immediate distaste, dear human readers, for the smug looking cat on the cover. in my opinion, all books with cats on the cover should be banned to protect innocent humans from their feline guile.

to make matters worse, she-human tells me the book is about cats who can talk in human language. well, it’s about some other stuff as well, but i didn’t listen to those parts, so outraged was i at the idea of talking cats.

massive eye-roll at this example of human naivety. humans, if cats could talk, here is what they would say:

“hurr durr ima cat”

“bring food me human”

“human, why u no have six nipples?”

“goody must eat poop box”

stupid cathow could this murakami human write a whole book on the conversation of cats? maybe he is a bit special himself.

 

if anybody knows of any books about talking dogs, please recommended them to my human. she desperately needs a better taste in books.

 

16/10/13 are chihuahuas even dogs?

since i went public, a lot of people have been uncouth enough to point out that i share my name with the dog that owns bipasha basu, who is a human who sometimes lives in the tv box.

the dog posto with his human bipasha basu

the dog posto with his human bipasha basu

while i respect bipasha basu because she understands that clothes are degrading and stupid, i would like to point out that i could eat her posto and shit him out whole, pardon my woof.

if any of you readers still feel confused between a labrador retriever and a chihuahua, and are wondering which is it you are petting at the moment, please pause and answer the following questions:

1. can it fit in your handbag? NOT A LAB

2. does it look like an overgrown rat? NOT A LAB

3. is it snapping at your finger?  NOT A LAB

4. is it acting like a goddam queen?  NOT A LAB

5. did it pee in your hands?  NOT A LAB. not a chihuahua either. come to think of it, you may be petting a rat.

there, that should clear it up.